The End

Standard

Everything ends eventually, even the most beautiful things in life. Your life is short. It’s okay to be sad, but no one should waste their time crying over burned bridges; rather, look at that small flicker of light between the canopies, and follow it. There will be thorns, slips, cracks, and you’ll get bruised and pained. You won’t reach that light unscathed, but you’ll reach it eventually.

I am saying goodbye to that ray of sunshine that illuminated the bridge behind me. It’s now time for me to be my own ray of sunshine. I will light my own way.

This is just the beginning of a wonderful life. You have to believe me.

How to Determine Pain

Standard

Looking back at my blog posts 2 years ago, I see that I actually fell infatuated over 3 boys, and I wrote a lot of emotions towards them individually. Now that I’m actually stable with the last one, the love of my life, I realize that hate and pain is actually heavier than love because why did I write so much only when I’m hurt?  Why didn’t I express as much when I was deeply head over heels for a particular guy at that time? This actually made me sad at first because now that I’m actually really happy and secure with the love of my life, why can’t I write about it? Why can’t I express now more than ever since elation supposedly pushes people to write? 

Now that I’m writing this, I realize that I’m actually supposed to be happy about it because I’m not in need to express pain. I can already express my love to him. I don’t need to post about it. I only needed to post about pain because I felt that no one would understand me, but at least once I express through writing, I’d lessen the pain. 

I can confidently say that I’m happy and contented right now because of the RAY in my life that lightens up my everyday. And I know that I love him so much; I wouldn’t trade him for anything.

Phoenix

Standard

phoenix (n) : a magical bird in ancient stories that lives for 500 years before it burns itself to death and then is born again from its ashes

Aside from the idea that I and my 2 closest friends ever call ourselves Phoenix (a group name supposedly because it just sounds cool), this word means something to me because it’s related to resurrection. Resurrection because finally after hibernating from blog posts, I’ll start again! Sorry for being idle; a lot of things happened to me for that year gap, and there’s just so much I can narrate and recall, but for sure, I’ll be expressing and combining words into essays once again. 

Good to be back!

The Walking Irony

Standard

I am a walking irony. I want to talk to you every day and can’t survive without knowing how you are, but I also want you out of my life. Last night, I cried over you again. How many times will I be crying over you? I want it over with, but at the same time, I can promise you that I will bear every tear and every crack in my soul for you. I’ve been battling my mind between leaving you and keeping up with you because I can’t stand you. In my last rant post, I told myself that I would never come back to you, but just after a few days, there I was again holding your hand as if nothing happened. Is love really like this? Is love all about forgiving? Yes. But is it also about letting yourself get wrecked inside just for the one you love? Maybe that’s a yes too. Maybe I just really love you that much. I don’t even know how you bring happiness to my life; I just know you do.

My problem is that I don’t know how much I’m worth to you. To me, you are the watch. The watch I can’t leave home without. The watch that I keep looking back to, not because I want to know the time (that would be absurd; I look at my watch every minute) but because I want to admire your beauty; because when I’m bored and not occupied with anything, you’re there. You’ve been the first guy I’ve cried to and the first guy I wrote cheesy blog posts about. I don’t want to show it because I don’t want to look like I’m the one running after you and looking like a complete idiot because you never reciprocated what I really felt. I actually look like an idiot now writing about my love for the man who has left me confused all the time, who has given me feelings of betrayal, who has made me a walking irony, and who made me doubt my choices, but at the same time still have some faith. I want you to tell me how I mean to you and who I am to you. I want to know how much I’m worth to you and how much you truthfully love me, because sometimes I don’t feel it. Sometimes your mixed signals are just so hard to decipher that my mind goes to overdrive and can’t even work out what you’re trying to say. You have that effect on me. You make me – the number one in class, the logical thinker, the girl with the steel feelings – a walking wreck, a walking irony, a completely different mixed up individual, but you also make me the happiest girl alive.

One thing I know for sure is that I probably would never get tired of crying over you, be it good or bad, if it is for you, I probably wouldn’t give up. Now I’m scared that maybe it’s you who will first give up on us. But then again, that’s life. i just have to accept, I guess. And then again, maybe I’m not even writing over a dilemma with a strong foundation. Maybe this is just another burst of emotion, and maybe there is really no real drama here. Am I just over thinking again? Give me a fucking sign. Tell me what I’m worth to you, so I would know if what I’m giving you is still what you need and deserve. There are still a lot of nagging thoughts in my head, but they are so blurred. All mixed up like a soup – I still cannot put them into words, but maybe someday they’ll make perfect sense. Let’s just wait and see.

But for now, I am certain of three things: that I will never get tired of you despite the tears and pain you’ll give me, that I might hide you from every one else because I’m scared, but despite those two, I love you.

 

 

Is it still love if you cry more than you smile?”

Headlights

Standard

This is for Ellie: you go girl. (Well this is really for her man jerk.)

If you just knew how much I cried for you last night, telling God to let me stop loving you because it hurts so much. You were the first guy I’ve cried to because I love you. (I loved you?) Before I met you, my life was actually on a pretty stagnant and steady pace. All I knew was that I didn’t need someone to make me feel good and make me feel loved. You came, and I let you in my walls that I oh so worked hard for to keep sturdy, and I casually let you in the door – then everything changed. I thought you were different. Well I guess now that it should remain a thought, not the truth. I still remember the time I realized I loved you, and now I’ll forever remember the night I realized that I love you too fucking much; that it wrecked me every day. Now I couldn’t imagine how life would be without you. It feels weird. It feels like shit. You make me feel like shit, but I hate it that you also are the source of my entire happiness, and I want it to change.

I don’t want a hissing snake like you devour me whole and leave me crippled after. I’ve given too much of me to you, without you even appreciating it, and I don’t want to do it again. I’ve hurt and hurt because of you and you don’t even know. Fuck you. Now I’m gonna show you what steel bars I’m made of. I won’t be pawing all over you anymore. I regret you. I know that the time you’re about to give up is the time the miracles happen. I’m not giving up on you because I promised I’ll be here all the time, and I keep my promises. But you know what? You also promised you were never going to play me. And you fucking did. I’m tired of being a puppet. I regret attaching myself to you that the idea of you leaving my life is unbearable. But last night I gave in to that thought and realized that that idea was actually better than letting you play me, and actually letting it slip as nothing.

The headlights have finally been turned on and now im seeing over the dim fog – my love for you – that was hindering my conception of how you were just manipulating me, and you were damn enjoying it. You were a juggler who carried my fragile insides and recklessly let them all drop because you know I wouldn’t mind. Thank you for everything. Youwere my everything. But now I’ll let you live knowing that my presence will only be that shadow that kept on following you. You’ll never get me again. Not anymore. I’ll be here. I’ll always be here. But you won’t own me. That’s not gonna happen again, jerk.

Maybe when you change for the better and become the person I fell in love with in the first place again. Maybe that’s when everything can come back to normal. I believe in second chances, and I know what I’m telling you are all very petty dilemmas, but once I love, I love hard. I gave too much without realizing how much I was bargaining because I thought you were different – that you were worth it. But then again, that was when the headlights were off.

“Only know you love her when you let her go…”

Eye-opener

Standard

a multitude of lies living and suspended among the supposedly ray from a crack

nothing in this world is secure

drenched in the sweet liquid of your lies –

I know nothing too good to be true, like you, can exist

amazing how rotation has done a great deal of imbalance to my world

i don’t know what to think

my mind is filled with flying puzzle pieces

deciphering what to believe

please help me believe

help me believe in you again.

Fame

Standard

Awarded by prestige and name,

comes naturally with pouring fame

It eats you up and fills your brim,

though in the outside you look neat and prim

Once sailing on the sea above,

comes with the rowing of pride and boast

Once eaten up and broken down,

What once was pure what’s left is tinder with blinking sparks

Thought comes around when pride takes up

the hollow form of what’s supposed to be clean

now drowning on the sea of fame,

can’t come back to Earth because of name

In Need

Standard

Hatred and apathy
Monotony and loathing
Please get me out
Of this burning ground hole

I don’t know what I want
I don’t know what I need
All I know is how two-faced I am
And how much of a hypocrite I can be

I don’t know how to express
All these out before I burst
I guess nothing’s going the way
I’d love it to be, it hurts

I need you right now
You to paint colors back into the canvas,
You to remedy my withered soul,
You to restore my bloodless body,
I need you. I need your breath.
Your presence, your radiation, your ambience
Please come and rescue me. Now. Before it’s too late.

RAINBOW

Standard

(not so well-thought of by Bea and I)

a spectrum of colors

illuminating from a crack

was the only signal I needed

to keep myself on track

like the hot coffee

I’d drink in the morning

and the cold milk

that’d accompany me at night

your smile is what cradles me

throughout the day 

enters my dreams

when I’m in bed

and keeps me in slumber

for I desire to

since you’ll surely be there

yes, you are my dream and reality

Aside

You are just not open yet to the entire reality of the world ergo you defy and try to opinionate your authority. Yes, I do believe that respect is earned, but sometimes respect is given for it to be earned. And yes, this is something quite absurd, but pondering on how you think and answer back to all those who deserve well-constructed thoughts make me the least critical. You are trying to sound “smart” in a way to prove your opinions the best. I am pretty sure you don’t intend to do that, but how you channel out also reflects your intent, and by the looks of it today, you seem quite arrogant. Not everything you say will have the best impact on society, nor will it change others’ thoughts, you’ve most certainly have not made me a convert.

I admire how much true you are to yourself, but sometimes putting on a mask to try and blend in or even just stoop down to what you think you are superior to won’t hurt. Sometimes having two feet on the ground works well. I am sorry. This is just a random outburst after seeing how you treated that man. You shouldn’t have. Yes, I believe you know what you are talking about, and are able to support all your facts and keep them consistent, but sometimes your words affect everything around you, and you must know the consequences and the gravity of what you have done.

This goes out to no one in particular really, but it’s just a new meaning to “being yourself”. You could always be yourself while respecting others, but at the same time keeping your own principles locked among your bounds. Hope you try to tilt just a little bit of what you are. A speck won’t hurt, right?

 

Outburst